So Small.

"It's so easy to get lost inside a problem that seems so big at the time. It's like a river that's so wide, is swallows you whole. While you're sitting around thinking about what you can't change and worrying about all the wrong things. Time's flying by, moving so fast. You better make it count 'cause you can't get it back.

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand. And what you've been up there searching for forever is in your hands. When you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else, seem so small." - Carrie Underwood

...as for me, that mountain still FEELS like a mountain haha. By this I mean college...but I mean these lyrics ARE true for the most part. I do catch myself worrying about things that I don't have the power to change. It just frustrates me though, but I'm STILL trying to have FUN amidst my problems. 

That's the thing. I try to have FUN to make me forget about my academic weaknesses. I have FUN to cover up being upset about grades. I have FUN to get away from stress. But for what? I feel like having fun should come as a reward for hard work...don't get me wrong I DO work hard. I study. I read. I GO to class. I listen. I take notes...but why am I not doing as well as I want to be? Sure, this may be my "grain of sand,"but it's weighing me down. And sure, LOVE does matter...but LOVE alone won't solve my problems...

That sounds so pessimistic...but I honestly mean that. I HATE the thought of having to leave UCI if I don't get into the nursing program by next year...but from the looks of my grades, it seems that is where I'm headed. What bothers me the most about this is that I am REALLY trying here. I feel like MY best isn't enough...I have nothing more to give. 

I feel like this is my punishment for choosing UCI over MSMC and it's tearing away all the faith I once had in myself. I shouldn't have to convince myself everyday that I deserve to be where I'm at, it should just be innate. As of right now, I am extremely let down by myself...I don't know how to mend this. Pretend I'm doing ok? Brush it off? That obviously didn't work. 

It's times like these I wish I had a boyfriend. Someone to confide in, someone I could trust, someone I could talk to. But mostly someone who would just hold me in his arms and tell me that everything would work out in the end...that would boost my spirits...

But I guess I'm gonna have to deal with this one on my own, try HARDER and push myself to the absolute extreme to prove that I deserve to be here.