By Your Side.

This weekend was my first Liwanag retreat and the theme was "By Your Side." I have to say it was SOOO great seeing the group again. Being away for 3 months really helped me to realize how much I truly love Liwanag and I was blessed to have been able to get to know them more over this weekend. 

On my drive back home I had a lot of things on my mind so this blog is probably just going to be a bunch of rambling haha...but anyway...this whole weekend I kept asking myself what "By Your Side" meant to me and my own life. To me, it means that God will always be there for you, NO MATTER WHAT. He will be there to celebrate your success, console your failures, and ease those difficult transitions in your life. He will be there for you whether you listen to Him or not. He's there when you feel like you've reached rock bottom...and I just think that the theme reminded me that God's love is unconditional. On our "TMI" hike, one of the questions was "What is your relationship with God?" And I answered with "everlasting." I felt that this word truly explained my perspective on God's love for me. It is forever. It is something that will always be with me. Even though my faith in Him may falter or fade at times, His love is REAL and "By Your Side" pretty much emphasized that. However, I also believe that it means to serve others with a loving and generous heart, to be a good friend, and to be humble, just as God serves us each and every single day.

I am amazed by how much Liwanag has impacted my faith and spiritual life. A year ago, there is NO WAY that I would have been writing a blog like this...but I am extremely thankful that I have opened up more in terms of sharing my beliefs. Liwanag really helped me to see myself in a different light, as a child of God. I allow my vulnerability to show when I am with them, which is usually something that I am not comfortable sharing with other people. My whole life, I've wanted people to see me as strong and confident. I never allowed people to see my tears or my struggles, its been a habit for the longest time. No one has ever came to me and told me that I was an inspiration. I've never had a best friend or a serious boyfriend. I haven't exactly had the strongest relationship with my parents. I made myself believe that I was alone, that my pain and suffering was MY burden, that I had to deal with it myself. I didn't like relying on other people because from past experiences I've always been let down. So i've dug myself into this hole where I hold all of my emotions in. 

...I can honestly say that Liwanag has lifted me out of this hole. I'm able to share the REAL me with these people and I know that they will be by my side. I don't know what it was that made me trust them so easily, but all I can say is that they are all amazing people that I have grown to love over this past year. I can pray and worship the Lord on my own, but nothing makes my heart leap for joy as much as when I'm with Liwanag...I know that sounds cheesy, but it's the absolute truth. I've been waiting for something like this for 19 years...something to fill that void in my heart, something to make me believe or hope for something better. 

The last activity we did was with the yarn...creating a web between all of us while each one of us took turns picking someone to share about that has made an impression on us. As I was looking around the circle, I had in mind who I wanted to choose. But as the ones I had in mind got picked, that showed me that I wasn't meant to choose them. I have to admit that I am soo bad at handling my emotions. When Krystle picked me and started saying all of these wonderful things I just started crying. I think that I do this because I don't see myself as THAT person. I spend most of my time analyzing my failures and shortcomings. I don't take the time to acknowledge my talents or skills. So when Krystle was telling me that I was a strong person, the tears just started flowing because I felt undeserving. No one has ever made me feel that I truly belonged somewhere or that I was TRULY LOVED. And I know that this sounds sad, but it's the truth. I mean, yes, I know that my family and friends love me, but the people in Liwanag have a special way of really SHOWING it. 

When I start crying, it's hard for me to stop because I have so much to let out. So after she chose me, I chose my Ate Kathy. After I saw who was left, I knew that God meant for me to be left with her because I have never told her how she has impacted my life. She is the EPITOME of Liwanag. She serves passionately, she's kind, she shares her talent of song through choir...to me she is my role model. I look up to her. I've always wanted an older sister and I like to believe that Kathy is just that to me. So I pretty much told her these things that I probably would never admit out loud in front of the whole group. But afterwards my heart was relieved in a sense because I was able to share those things. Laying my heart out like that was probably one of the bravest things I've done in my whole life. My tears were just continuous and I guess my words touched her because she started to cry too. I don't think I've ever verbally expressed "I LOVE YOU" to any of my closest friends because it's more of an unspoken expression. So for me, admitting that I loved her as my big sister only after knowing her for less than a year was unlike me. But I truly meant everything I said and I'm glad she was able to listen to what I had to say. 

Singing for mass afterwards was great as well. Being back at Interfaith made my heart smile and it made me feel back at home. I think that this upcoming year is going to be a challenge, but Liwanag has helped to prepare for this journey. I am stoked that core chose me to be a family leader this year. I am so excited to have my own "family." Bellamay and Julian showed me what is was to be loving and encouraging leaders so all I hope is that I can do the same. So, I guess the concluding message I want to send to all the members of Liwanag is this: 

Get up and go
Take a chance and be strong, 
Or you could spend your whole life holding on, 
Don't look back just go.
Take a breath move along, 
Or you could spend your whole life holding on.

Believe the tunnel can end, believe your body can mend, 
I know you could make it through cause I believe in you.
So lets go put up a fight, lets go make everything alright, 
Go on and take a shot go give it all you got. (-Boys Like Girls "GO")

<3