One year of Nursing school completed, two more to go. When I first came to the Mount, I was extremely reluctant to make friends, actually enjoy going to class, and get involved with school. I hated myself for nearly getting kicked out of UCI, having to withdraw, and leave all of my close friends behind. Having to leave Liwanag broke my heart and it still hasn't completely healed. But God still interceded for my feelings of emptiness and self-pity. He gave me a chance to start over again and I will NEVER EVER let myself forget that.
Things DO get better, but you have to let it. It took me this long to realize just that. Now, I wake up every morning knowing I have a true, God-given purpose as a nursing student. Even if I have to wake up at 5am for class and stay up studying until midnight, I truly know that Nursing is for me. I live it & breathe it everyday. I've managed to find a close-knit group of friends that I can trust and I am so grateful. I took initiative to do more community service by joining ATD and actually enjoy everything that I am doing now. Who knew that I would grow to love the Mount this much? Now I'm sitting here in my room missing everyone and everything about school. I know it's Summer Break and I should be relaxing, but I've been so used to staying busy that I have no idea what to do with myself and all of this free-time!
After my finals, I had sooo much anticipation for celebrating, but I think this time I took it too far. Not being able to drink or have fun as much during two [very long] semesters of high-intensity school work really takes a toll on you. You just feel like wanting to 'break loose' from all responsibility and obligation. At least that's how I felt. I purposely stayed in LA for an extra week just so I could hang out with everyone and party. I'm usually good at keeping myself in check when alcohol is around, but this time I didn't want to be as careful. I let myself go. Shot after shot, without eating before hand. Mixing drinks and playing beer pong. Trying hookah for the first time and drinking even more alcohol. But what made me realize that I need to take a step back was when I was drunk and tried weed for the very first time. I tried it three different ways and I got so high that I could barely keep my eyes open or even move. I hate having to write this in here but I need to remember it for the future and remember the lesson that I learned from this.
My judgment was completely off. I had nothing holding me back I just felt so free. But then that's when I saw one of the guys pull out some coke. And I remember being drawn to it, so curious and wanting to try it. But when I saw a group of them start, I got my ass off of the bed and walked out before I let myself think about trying it even more. The last look I got of myself in the mirror before I knocked out that night was a girl with bloodshot eyes that could barely stand straight. The person I saw in that mirror WASN'T ME. I didn't like who I saw looking back at me and I think that's what scared me the most.
I'm disappointed in myself for sinking so low. But I guess for someone who always has high standards expected of them, I wanted to finally just not care for once. Is that so much to ask? I know I didn't handle myself well this past week, I honestly just wanted to have a good time. But when I think about how I let myself go like that it makes me feel so guilty and ashamed. I know I'm better than this. And instead of going to 'my last' Spirit Rally, I spent it trying to recuperate from a drunken night before my night CCE shift at the hospital. While everyone else was preparing for a spiritual high, I was ACTUALLY getting high. I nearly had an emotional breakdown because I never ever thought I would be the person that I saw in the mirror that night.
And that made me realize that I need to come back to God. I need to start LIVING my faith again. I wish I would have gone to Spirit Rally and I know that I'm going to regret it. I guess I just need some help. Yeah, I go to a Catholic School, but my friends aren't the same as my LOG group. I don't think I could ever find a group of friends like Liwanag actually. I miss being able to have a stress reliever every Tuesday night at Interfaith with my LOG family and feeling His presence, His grace, and love. Its been such a long time since I've been able to connect with my faith in that special way and I've been longing for that. When I got that phone call inviting me to Spring Banquet it just hit me that two years have gone by so quickly. I remember wishing for 2012's senior banquet my first year of college and now its finally right around the corner. I don't want to feel guilty anymore for having been so careless. Instead, I want to come back to this family. It's time to make it back to the place where my college experience began, MY HOME. ♥
