This week has been tough, I'm not going to lie. I put extra pressure on myself to get a lot of my work done so that I could try to relax on my trip to Big Bear. However, I ended up having to come home instead because my car battery died and my parents insisted that it be fixed instead of me leaving for the weekend. That really upset me. I was really looking forward to a weekend where I could just have fun with Kaba and relieve some of my tension.
I cried when I found out I couldn't go. I cried when I packed my stuff. I cried on my way home. I felt miserable...I mean after having a sucky week, this just HAD to happen to ME. But those tears weren't just for the trip, they were for all my frustrations with school and myself. I'm the kind of person who bottles up their emotions and I held it in for too long. I just sat in my car for awhile and cried before I left. But for me, once I start crying it's hard for me to stop because I always try not to show any weakness. I try to be strong when it comes to difficult situations, but I just felt the need to release some emotion.
I know it's not the best way to deal with problems but I don't know how else to deal. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to have chosen Mt. Saint Mary's College over UC Irvine. I would have ALREADY been in the nursing program, have a $25,000 scholarship, and probably would be doing better academically since it is a small college with less students. I feel like an idiot for turning that down and to be honest, that was one of the hardest decisions to make. I mean, I would have done my parents a huge favor in saving money, and I wouldn't have to stress out about getting into the nursing program. UCI only takes 15-25 students in their nursing program and I have high doubts about this. I feel like I'm not going to be accepted. Don't get me wrong, I try to be optimistic, but it's hard you know?
What if I don't get accepted by junior year? I'm going to have to switch schools and that is definitely not something I would want to put myself through. I'd have to leave my friends behind, Liwanag, and Kaba. I don't think I would be able to do that...I came to UCI because it was my dream to be a student at a UC, because UC's offer the ultimate college experience. I chose a dream over what would have been realistically better for me. But now that I think about it...was it worth turning down MSMC? Would I be as stressed as I am if I did choose to go to MSMC? Is my dream worth following?
Right now I feel like I'm not on the right track. I don't want to fall behind, but more so, I want to graduate on time. I'm going to be completely honest...I'm scared to death. I have my plan laid out in front of me: get accepted into nursing, graduate in 2012 with my B.S.N., pursue a master's degree, get a job, and hopefully be happy/successful. If this doesn't work out...I don't know what's going to happen. All I want is to meet my parents' expectations. I want to fulfill their hopes that they have for me and they DESERVE to have a successful daughter with a good career because they have raised me to be strong, intelligent, motivated, and driven. The last thing I would want to do is let them down. They work so hard to provide my college funding and it is my part to show them that their hard work is not being taken for granted.
And I don't want to make a back-up plan because I am determined to make my number one plan work. I want to prove to myself that I am good enough to stay at UCI. I have to. I NEED to. For me and my parents.
