"And now I am standing here
My heart's so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give into your fear
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near"
Farewell to one of the most extraordinary and talented singers that this world has ever seen. The media can gloat about her drug problems, family problems, and relationship problems, but there can be no dispute when it comes down to losing a sensational music artist. RIP Whitney Houston, your music has touched the lives of many, including mine ♥
'When You Believe' is one of my most favorite Whitney songs, not just because there are two powerhouse voices, but because the message is so simple, yet powerful. "Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill. Who knows what miracles, you can achieve. When you believe, somehow you will. You will when you believe." Just reading those lyrics alone can make me teary-eyed because when I look at my life at the moment, I feel like hope has been such an important driving factor for me. Given the circumstances I'm in, sometimes it's hard to see the other side. Doubt & fear are always present in everything that I do. But I want to believe that "somehow I will" be able to reach my goals and overcome all of the internal and external struggles that I constantly face.
This past week was an emotionally draining experience in clinicals. Being with a patient with a progressive/potentially deadly condition is hard. Talking with their family members is hard. But knowing that you can't do anything to fix them is the hardest part. Why do people have to suffer? That's a question that I'll always wonder. But I know that their fate is being placed in the hands of God and that it's my duty to ease their pain, fear, or whatever else is burdensome. I believe that healing starts from the inside out because our body is programmed to heal itself or to compensate for whatever is attacking it, whether it be an infection, disease, or disorder. But our willingness to cope effectively and fight to live is the ultimate deciding factor of our outcome. If we don't believe we can overcome illness, then our bodies will follow that thought. I want to be the nurse that nurtures the importance of emotional healing so that my patient(s) can develop that outlook of being a survivor or if matters were worse, then I'd want them to be able to accept their fate with humility. Being with someone at their highest peak of vulnerability is a special, yet heartbreaking part of nursing, but I want to be there for those who need it the most. Plain & simple.
But to be able to be this kind of nurse one day, I need to keep doing well in all of my classes. School is busy as ever but I'm still keeping my hope alive. I really wish I could've gone to Liwanag Winter Retreat this weekend, but it's my Dad's birthday weekend and I felt obligated to stay home instead. I know I will probably regret this later, but I know that my family should come first. I hate to say this, but I'm feeling far as ever from my Irvine friends. I was able to visit some of them last weekend and it was fun, but I don't feel like I connect with them the same way I used to. I loved hearing the excitement in their voices about graduation and post-grad plans and of course I support them in anything they want to do, but I feel like I've been gone for so long that it's hard to even start up a regular conversation. It's kind of like a superficial kind of friendship... "How are you?" "Good." And that's it.
My first year away was as if nothing changed because I visited Irvine a a lot and was able to go to both Summer & Winter Retreats. But now, it's my second year away and things are different. I didn't go to Summer Retreat, obviously not Winter Retreat. They're busy and I'm busy. It's getting harder to schedule visits because I'm always drowning in school work. I don't want to feel this way, but I just hope that there's still a place for me in the 'Class of 2012.' I was hanging out and talking with my brother today and I was telling him that it's my graduating class' banquet for Liwanag in May. He was surprised and said, "You STILL go to their events?" And at that moment I realized that it HAS been a long time since I've been away and yet here I am still trying to make myself believe that I belong in the part of my life that I've missed for the last two years. Truth is, it's not the same. I'm not the same. It's a bad thought, I know, but it's just difficult being away. And I really DO hope that they all understand that.
