Right when I got home, my mom brought up the "So how's school?" conversation. That's when I started to feel that sense of uneasiness and my heart just started to really pound. I always get nervous when we have these talks because I know it will end up in the same conclusion: "Switch to Mount St. Mary's College to become a nurse." I know that she just wants her daughter to be successful, heck of course I want to be successful too! I just really wish there was another route that she would let me take. And sometimes I question if I am being selfish for wanting to stay at UCI. I know that my parents are spending a lot of money for my education and they should know that they are investing it for my future career, not just a CHANCE at some ordinary job. I don't want them to feel like they are gambling if I were to switch my major to Public Health because there is absolutely NO guarantee that I would find a job straight out of college. But nursing offers me that guarantee, that satisfaction of knowing that there WILL be a job for me when I graduate, and it will be a GREAT one that will provide me with the necessities to live on my OWN. However, this makes me feel like a sell-out...that I'm only going to pursue nursing because of the money. Is that the kind of person that I want to be? I always wanted to have a job that I was truly passionate about and when people ask me why I want to be a nurse, I don't have an in-depth answer. Of course, I LOVE helping other people and that's one reason why nursing is a great job, but there are definitely other jobs out there that will let me do the same. I don't know I'm just really confused right now. I tried my best not to cry in front of my mom during this talk, especially when I brought up having to leave Liwanag. And she just said "At least you've gotten to know them over these last 2 years, that's enough. You can always visit." My heart literally broke at that moment because 4 years with Liwanag would definitely be better than 2. She doesn't know how much I would miss out on: attending EVERY Tuesday meeting, all the times we go out to eat, my Sunday cycle of singing for 1230 and 630 mass, study sessions at ICF, Benecon, Spirit Rally, being a family leader, bonding with my brothers and sisters, and Interfaith in general because Interfaith is my second home.
I have to admit that Liwanag was my absolute NUMBER ONE choice for staying at UCI...not the academic environment because in all honesty I find it hard to learn in a lecture hall of 300+ people. Liwanag has made these lat two years of my life SO WONDERFUL. But I also want my parents to be proud of me and at the moment, I don't think they are content with where my life is headed. So I've "compromised" or actually just been beaten into submission for what my mom wants for me. I told her I would switch to MSMC once I find out if I am accepted. I guess this is my way of showing her that "Mama knows best" is "true" in my family. I don't know if I'm making the right choice but my parents deserve to have a successful daughter because they raised me to be. And as much as it would hurt to let Liwanag go, I have to keep telling myself that it's for my own good. But knowing me, I would still be active in Liwanag if my schedule permitted me to. NOTHING, especially miles, can stop me from being part of that family and I would make damn sure to make every effort to make as many Sundays and Tuesdays back to the place that I love the most, my heaven on Earth. <3
So now all I have to do it wait. This is probably the most horrible feeling in the world because the result could potentially change my whole life in a heartbeat. But I am ready for whatever happens.
