My second year is almost coming to a close and lately I've found myself having a hard time focusing on school. I feel like I'm losing my motivation and drive to do well because I feel that I've let myself down too many times. I know that experiencing shortcomings should help to develop and strengthen you, but for me, I just feel defeated. I keep telling myself to work harder, but my mind is all over the place.
Before I got to college, I saw myself as this invincible, independent, and strong person that was ready for anything. I truly believed that I could do anything. I had high hopes for myself and big dreams. And now...now I've settled to "be average." College shattered that image that I once had of myself. And believe me I KNOW that I could change my way of thinking. I KNOW that I don't have to have a negative attitude. But I'm just gonna say it, I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay because it's not. I've tried my best to be strong, but right now, I just want to allow myself to FEEL what it is I'm feeling: lost, ashamed, and weak.
Go ahead...judge me, lecture me, tell me that everything is going to be okay, but don't ask me to be strong right now. I'll smile at you, laugh with you, and crack a joke here and there, but really I feel broken. I'm trying to dig up the bits and pieces of strength and courage that I have left and I'm sorry if it's not enough for you. I'm sorry if I can't be the person I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry that I've failed. I don't know what happened along the way and I'm not sure where I started to lose myself, but its led me to this point. Its led me to not care about anything, to feel numb and powerless, to feel that I've been stripped of my dignity.
I know that things could be worse. I know that my situation isn't tragic. But it's still real. And that should make sense to you. I'm still counting my blessings though. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that I have Liwanag to turn to. But it's easier for me to deal with this on my own. If I were to talk to someone about this, I would just end up crying in front of them and I don't want that to happen.
I know that it was just Spirit Rally and I should feel uplifted. But I guess now that I have more time on my hands it allows me to think more. Knowing my personal history, thinking and me don't mix very well. I have the tendency to overwhelm myself with my own thoughts. That's my life. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...
