I can honestly say that this time last year was the lowest phase in my life. Spring Break was horrible for me because I spent the whole week crying and questioning. I hoped that I wouldn't have to be where I am now.
But here I am, a year later, where I didn't want to be.
I guess I'm still processing all of it in a way. It took A LOT of soul searching to build myself back up again, to be where I am today. I feel that I've overcome one of the greatest fears of all - taking that step into the unknown, and for that, I am proud. Am I necessarily proud of where I've ended up? No...but I'm glad that I've had the courage to sacrifice and let go of "what was supposed to be."
It's still hard being away from the people I love the most. I've realized that my new friendships will never amount to what used to be. I really wanted to find that sense of "family" again, but so far I haven't. I don't get the chance to vent as much anymore, to just share my day with someone who truly CARES. That's what I miss the most.
I think one of the highlights for me last year was right after PCN. I clearly remember walking toward all of the Liwanag members who came out to support us, seeing their smiles and receiving all their hugs. I know that sounds really cheesy or whatever, but just seeing all of them after the show made my heart smile. I've never experienced anything like that before. Since MSMC's PCN is approaching in April, I guess I just feel nostalgic because I know I'm not going to get to experience that again. Our PCN is on April 15 & 16 (weird that it's two days...) and I know UCI's is on the 16th as well so I won't be able to go. I really wanted to be able to see Camille direct choir and Marcee make her stride down the stage when they call out the coords at the end of the show. I want to celebrate their greatness with them, but I can't be there. As much as I wish they could be there for me too, they can't. That hurts because it shouldn't have turned out this way. We should've all been in our third PCN together, and I should have been able to step off that stage knowing that a bunch of Liwanag was there supporting me and waiting to see me after the show. But in actuality, it turns out I won't be doing Tinikling after all for particular reasons. I've decided to just stick to the other three dances I'm in because that's enough for the time being.
I was debating whether I should attempt to invite a bunch of people, but I don't think I will. I wouldn't say that I'm "ashamed" of Pangkat, because I'm really not. I think our Pilipino organization has a lot of pride, which is great. I guess I just don't want to invite all my friends and have them be disappointed because I know UCI's PCN's are usually great. I know that's kind of effed up on my part, but LA is quite a drive from Irvine or Riverside. Hopefully our PCN will be great too and that I'm underestimating the success that can come from a much smaller cultural group. As long as my family will be there to support me one of the days of PCN, that's good enough for me. I kind of hate how things are going to be different this year, but that's life...take what you can and run with it.
