"It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see." - Henry David Thoreau
When I look back at this version of me Senior year of high school, I remember the feeling of graduating and re-entering the world with this fresh sense of accomplishment and purpose. This is probably one of my favorite pictures of myself because it reminds me of the confidence & determination that I was brought up with that helped me to graduate. I had a pretty big ego back then because I was part of CSF, NHS, and among the top of my graduating class. I thought I had my future "in the bag" because I was smart enough to get there and I had a reputation of being a hard worker.
When I entered UCI my first year, I saw all the people, the big buildings, and a booming social environment. And there I was, in the center of it all. I saw the superficiality of college, but I guess I didn't really SEE the work that I would have to put in, the hardships that were to come my way. In my head, God would make this experience easy for me because I had personally asked him to. But of course I was wrong. My ego wasn't enough for me to get by anymore. The person in the picture wasn't pulling the same weight she did in high school and that made me more frustrated than ever. Sometimes I still struggle with that thought, but NOW I finally SEE the importance of it all.
Each of my difficulties were placed before me as stepping stones to get to where God wants me to be. These stepping stones are inevitable because as an individual, I MUST find ways to grow and that can't happen without some heartache and confusion in the midst of opportunity. "What if..." used to be my number one question to think about. But in the end what does that matter? Because EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. I don't think God puts anything "meaningless" into our lives. And even if something may feel out of place, it is bound to fit in somewhere IF WE LET IT.
Lately it's been a struggle to just let go and let Him work his magic. Right now I have great opportunities ahead of me, but I also have situations that aren't quite fixable even though I wish they were. My heart is conflicted 90% of the time with school, friends, and everything in between. I always catch myself daydreaming in class and having to bring myself back into focus. I guess I'm just scared of losing the important things in my life. Some things are definitely worth fighting for, but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one fighting. I can fight with everything that I have, but if people don't fight with me too, then what's the point? I get tired of having to do all the work sometimes.
My heart still cares, but does yours? Because it's been awhile and it's hard for me to tell.
