"I'm looking for a quick escape, to close my eyes and feel the rage. I see the ones who got a taste of their dreams, and I think I want it more." -mAd
Meg & Dia just earned a top spot on my fave musicians/bands list. Their songs are so relatable and I'm glad I was one of the first 1500 people to get the free DL of their new EP "It's Always Stormy in Tillamook" :] I love new music!
I was hoping to have a little bit of a break this weekend from studying/school in general, but I have a Microbio midterm on Monday and a group presentation to prepare for on Tuesday. Last week I spent ALL of my time studying, memorizing all the muscles of the body and reviewing for my Anatomy midterms. That DEEP fried my brain and now I'm finding it hard to focus for this next midterm because in all honesty I'm just TIRED. I'm at that point where the thought of studying disgusts me and I just don't care...but I know I can't let myself go. Right now I'm realizing just how much I need to memorize since I didn't study AT ALL for this upcoming midterm and I'm kind of freaked out since I feel I won't have enough time to study. GAHHH. I'm doing the best I can.
Lately I've been really observant of my friends. It makes me so happy to see all that they're accomplishing: getting jobs, getting accepted into grad. school, getting married, preparing for graduation. It's proof that life really is moving right in front of my eyes. But at times I can't help but feel like I'm the one in the "shoulder" with my hazard lights on, while everyone else is on the "freeway" passing me by. It's great to see my friends moving on to greater things, but it makes me think "How about me?" What have I done to grow this year? What have I accomplished? What can I be proud of? I feel like I'm moving slowly while everyone else is on track and I really hope too many people aren't noticing that.
I've already "broken down" once and I guess my biggest fear right now is that I'm gonna break down again. Believe me, I'm doing all that I can to prevent that from happening...but it's hard trying to hold on to hope sometimes. I know I shouldn't be "comparing" myself to others' success, but I can't help it because it matters to ME. I don't want to be the one left behind or the girl that people feel sorry for. But at the same time I don't need to feel like I'm better than anyone else. I just want to feel the joy that comes along with knowing that I'm WORTH something...worthy of getting into the nursing program, worthy of being successful, worthy of having a boyfriend, worthy of having good friends, worthy of being trusted, worthy of being LOVED. Sometimes I feel like I don't DESERVE anything, like things happen just BECAUSE. How am I supposed to know the difference?
I don't know. But I hope I don't have to keep my hazard lights on for too long.
